What coaching isn't

I was thrilled last week to get the opportunity of a coaching session with a very prestigious coach. This coach shall remain anonymous for reasons which will become apparent. They have written numerous best selling books on coaching and I thought a coaching session with them would be a great learning experience (which is was).

So the appointed time came and the phone rang. "Hello", "Hello" and so we began. Firstly this coach told me to take some deep breaths as I was probably a very busy person (have a look at my linked in profile or twitter feed and you can get that) and I needed to get in the zone. OK, deep breathing done.

Then the coaching starts (frequently peppered by swear words which I have omitted). Instead of asking me what I wanted to talk about they start by telling me that they want to get a feel for me (ok, there's a challenge, all I have said is hello). They tell me that I am very busy and have a lovely bubbly personality and that I have reached a cross-roads (Anyone coming to coaching has usually reached a crossroads so this deduction wasn't rocket science).
Yes I say I have reached a crossroads, their response "Please don't interrupt when I am talking"
"OK" and so they tell me that I need to make a choice and why is that.

As I start to explain they say "no details". Having broadly outlined what I want to do without details (well as far as I can manage) they tell me that I need to join their special programme, I'll get lots of help and support to help with me my "problem" (I didn't think I had a problem, I thought I had choices to make). Now here's the smart bit, I say "So are you going to tell me how much the course is", their response "Are you asking?" (well you've tantalised me with this special programme that will solve all my problems, oops I mean help with my choices!)
"Yes" I say.
"In that case the course is £10,000 plus VAT, are you interested?" In my head I am going HECK NO!. My silence (unless they can read  minds, which I doubt) obviously spoke volumes and they said there was another programme more suited to my budget if I couldn't afford the special programme. The less special programme was £500 and they knew just the colleague of theirs that would be ideal to work with me. Was I interested? I asked for details about the three 45 minute sessions I would get and the predicted outcomes. They briefly explain but I can tell at this point I am irritating them. This starts to show through as they tell me that I don't care enough to want to change things and that £500 would solve all my problems, when I ask how, they tell me that the coach will push me to do the things I have outlined. When I ask what would happen if I didn't feel confident doing those things they tell me I need to do them anyway otherwise I will not get the outcome. When I say no to the less special programme, their response is "You've had great value from this call and you obviously don't want to change your circumstances, there is nothing more I can do for you so we had better finish the session. Goodbye" "Goodbye".

Lets reflect on the call, yes, I did have great value from the call. It showed me coaching is about people and good outcomes and if this coach had offered me free sessions for the rest of my life I still wouldn't have taken them up. There was no synergy and I felt bullied and let down. How could a prestigious coach have such a crap coaching style.  It appeared to me that all they cared about was selling one of their special programmes to me and my outcomes were not important. Well that's not the sort of coaching I want.

I have been coached over the years by a number of different coaches, some inexperienced and learning the technique, others very experienced and very good and I would happily recommend nearly all of these to someone else.

I believe that coaching is about asking the coachee questions so that they can achieve the best outcome for them. In a series of coaching sessions, their priorities may change or they may have things they struggle with. My job as the coach is to help you see a way round those obstacles and leave you feeling that you can achieve a great outcome for you. That you can make good choices. I know this might not be everyone's idea of coaching and that the more bullish, tell them what to do style, suits others but I would be the wrong coach for you.

So there it is, I learned a lot during the call, probably not the things they wanted me to but they have moved me forward, in that I am very clear of the type of coach I am and that I would never have a so-called coaching call where the aim was solely to sell my products. My advice to you if you are looking for a coach is to have a chat with them beforehand, see if you like what you hear, how do you feel having spoken with them and are they going to be able to help you move forward apace. We all need help and support and someone to help us see the best way forward and a good coach will help you achieve that and much, much more. If you don't find someone the first time, keep trying. Me, I am going to phone a good coach who I will enjoy working with and who has my best interests at heart, I still have choices to make. 

Always a parent....

I have been coaching parents of teenagers for about 2 years now and teens learning to drive is always an interesting topic. I am now the parent of a teen who has passed their driving test (today), first time! I am a very proud mother and really pleased that my child is mastering a skill which will create lots of opportunities for him (including freedom).

As a coach I understand that parents sometimes need help to build good relationships with their children, supporting their child as they grow in independence and start to make their way in the world.

Today the parent in me is struggling with the coach. The parent is being ultra cautious telling me that I am letting my child loose in a vehicle which requires lots of good decisions to stay safe and avoid some of the unfortunate things that happen on our roads. The gremlin in me is conjuring up road rage, accidents and all sorts of other horrors :-(

The coach in me is telling me that he has passed his test and is safe to drive. Having travelled with him in the car I know he makes good decisions and is capable of driving well. Learning to drive is a wonderful experience and helps your teen to develop their confidence and self esteem. 

So my son has gone out for the evening to a youth group, taking his younger brother with him. How am I feeling? Slightly nervous and I am sure lots of parents can relate to that. My Dad still worries about my sister (who is 56 years old) driving home to the West Country from London and awaits her text or call to say she is home safely.

We will always be concerned parents for our children, after all we want the best for them, love and care for them. As a loving parent my goal is to make sure that my teen can make good decisions, talk to me about their worries and concerns and help them grow in confidence and independence. My son learning to drive is another stage in his life. Like all the other stages where parents can feel a change happening such as children learning to walk, going to school, secondary school, leaving home to go to college, it's a learning experience for me too. 

Exam time stress - yours and your teens

It's that time of year again, teenagers across the country are preparing to take their exams, whether they are GCSE's or "A" levels, there are tensions starting to develop.

Your teenager is preparing for something which they know is very important and will affect their future choices, they want to do the best that they can. So how can you help them achieve the best results possible? 

1. Keep calm, easier said than done sometimes but your teen is feeling stressed and you getting stressed as well isn't going to help. Remember that your teenager may lash out but this is just to relieve some of the tension they are feeling. It is not personal.
2. Help them to create a revision timetable and diarise the dates and times of the exams. This way they know which exams are coming and the time and length of the exams. They can fit their revision into the timetable so that they can see what needs to be done.
3. Be available, although your teenager finds it hard to believe, they know you have been through this experience and come out the other side. Sometimes they just need telling that it will all work out. 
4. Reassure them that they have worked hard with their revision and that they really do know the things they need to be able to get through the exam. The school will have spent months preparing them for this, doing past papers and reinforcing learning. They are well prepared although they may have a crisis of confidence and think they don't. Just reassure them but back it up with facts like the school have prepared them, saying you know they'll be fine doesn't cut it.
5. Try to make sure that they are getting enough sleep, sitting up all night looking at revision books or being on the internet is not going to help them perform well the next day. The old cliche of a warm milky drink before bed really does work. 
6. When they have an exam, help them by providing a good healthy breakfast that will slowly release energy throughout the morning, eggs are a really good choice (according to a nutritionist friend). 
7. Help by making sure that your teenager is drinking enough to stay properly hydrated, especially if it is warm. The brain cannot function properly when it is dehydrated. Make sure they have water or squash rather than fizzy drinks. If they are studying in their room, take drinks up occasionally so that they can stay hydrated.
8. Ensure that they have everything ready for the exam the night before, you won't need any pre exam tensions.
9. After the exam has finished, be available to talk. Allow them to tell you how much or little they want to. Sometimes they may feel an exam has not gone well and will look for reassurance, other times they will think it is fine and not need to talk. 
10. Remember it is only 5 weeks of exams and then it will be over and results will be awaited. Your teenager may feel that they have been studying and working hard for ages and that there is no end in sight. Let them have some down time to do what they want between exams. They will need time to relax and unwind and feel "normal".

Stay calm and support your teenager, the exams will be over quickly enough.

If you need some help and support during this time, please contact me on 07586 379 301.

When do we stop dreaming?

I was reading a book today about time management and one of the paragraphs talks about having focus to be able to achieve what you need to complete. It made me think about dreams, what we want in our lives. When you ask a young child what they want to be when they grow up they usually, instantly, will tell you something, it might be an astronaut, train driver, dancer or princess. Ask the same question of an adult - perhaps not the "what do you want to be when you grow up?" - along the lines of what do you want to achieve and they usually have to spend quite some time thinking about it.

 

So what happens, what changes between being a child with everything the world has to offer laid before you and adulthood where we feel constricted?  Discussing this with a colleague, her answer was that as an adult, reality has kicked in and you realise that your dreams are not possible. Do you agree? 

I think that as adults we get into a rut of just making a living and doing the routine, our dreams drift away but if we put our mind and efforts into achieving our dreams, there is no limit to what can be accomplished if you believe you can. More importantly what are we teaching our children about their dreams? Are you showing your children that dreams and ambition are an important part of adult life? Do we say that they can achieve them, that they can be an astronaut, train driver, dancer or princess or do we say they can't? Is our lack of big dreams a result of our childhood? 

I would be interested in your thoughts. Do you still have a big goal that you will achieve?

Are you helping your child make good decisions?

I was at a GCSE choices evening at a local school the other day. The evening is run by the school so that the Year 9 students can make a decision about the subjects that they would like to study at GCSE level. As the children move into Year 10 the subjects that they can study change and new subjects become available. The school had a number of displays about the subjects available. As the parents and their teens walked round looking at the subjects available, a number of parents could be heard telling their children "you should study......" followed by the appropriate subject. Are these parents enabling their children to make good decisions? All parents want to make sure that their child selects subjects that they will enjoy studying and will be successful at. Perhaps a better way for parents to start this conversation would be "What subjects do you enjoy doing now?" or "What interests you about this subject?". It shows that you are listening to what your child is interested in and what they want to study. If a child is interested in the subject, they will work hard to achieve the qualification but if it is subject they have chosen because they felt they had to, there is little motivation for them to make a success of it.

We are trying to ensure our children become responsible young adults and yet some of the most important decisions that they will get to make are being made for them by their parents. Are you enabling your child to make good decisions or are you making the decisions for them?